It Was All So Simple Then...

When I posted last week Tuesday (Nightmare On My Street) I was going through something that I'm still trying to make sense of. I couldn't write to you without being judgemental and hurtful to the other person. Remember him, we named him Shame? I still can't get into specifics but I think you guys are smart enough to kind of figure it out. In any event this a letter that I wrote to him about 2-3 months ago. I never gave it to him, I don't know why. I mean I guess I do know why, sometimes I like to write just to get my frustrations out. In any event here's what I wrote:

Dear Shame,

We don't communicate, I don't trust you, you don't trust me. What are we doing? Things are so intense, your always on my mind. I miss you even when your lying next to me. Something is wrong with that. You make me feel so beautiful, good about myself, you make me doubt myself. You make me doubt this. Something is wrong with that.
I'm waiting but I don't know what I'm waiting for. You know you don't treat me the way you should. I'm not here for your convience. I'm not going to beg you to love me, to hold me, to take me out. I don't ask you for anything, to do anything for me. If this..if I'm not what you want you shouldn't waste our time. I know what it is to be loved. I know what it is for a man to want to be with me. I know when a man wants to prove to me that it's about me and only me. You say one thing yet you do another. If your struggling with yourself about being with me, then I'm not for you...choose her. I understand, maybe it's not meant to be. Maybe we came back into each other's lives so we could dispell all of the fantasies that we've been harboring for all of these years.
However I hope that that is not the case. Do you know I get excited everytime I see you. I feel like a little girl sometimes. I'm embarrassed I'm even telling you this. I think back on some of our episodes and I laugh. We were having fun, you made me laugh even if it was for a moment. I believed in you, thought what you told me was real. You seemed to be going so hard. I counted the hours, couldn't wait to see yor face, kiss your lips, feel your body in my arms. Was I a fool for that? You kept me sober, only craving for your love. I was seeing things clearly...or so I thought...only things became too clear. For the first time in my life I wish I was naive.
I love you, why can't that be enough for you? Your not the man who gives me everything I want but you can be the man to give me everything I need. You said you love me, you said you would give me unconditional love. If you really mean that then you will fight for me, fight for us. I'm doing the best I can...it's just a matter of time...hold on. I know I'm not perfect and that there are things that I need to change. We all have idiosyncrasys that others may not approve of, but that's what makes us who we are. I don't mean to be one sided and I'm not blaming you for everything. I can only tell you how I feel. I'm not trying to be someone who bides your time until someone else comes along. With me you get what you give. What you remember about me is not lost.

Love always,
Milky

What's crazy and sick to me is that when I was writing this letter I didn't know just how real it was. I didn't realize that certain things I said would turn into meaning something else. The mind works in mysterious ways. It was right in front of my face and I couldn't see it. Or is it because I didn't want to see it? He still has me doubting me...hmmm

Somebody Help Me...

You know, I'm trying to fix up my blog and bring you guys something that's nice to look at. I mean I hope my writing is entertainment enough but the site is looking a little boring to me now. I have absolutely no clue as to what I'm doing. I don't understand the lingo, its just extremely frustrating. I wanted to do a drop down menu after every post so I'm not taking up so much of the page. Found out how to do it. I can't make it happen. So please if anyone has any clue as to help me with this thing I would greatly appreciate it. It's 1:30 am and I want to post some thoughts I came across that I wrote a little while back. I'm going to try and figure out a few more things if I can't make it happen then I'll just post. Fatimah just bought in a little of the drinky drink. I'll have a sip and see what happens.

Turkey Day...

Hi peoples, I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. I can't say that mine was all that eventful but all of my sisters were there and we had a good time. Check out a pic of all of the girls and my mom. My mom really out did herself on the food. I didn't help as much as I would have usually, I don't think any of us did, and my mom probably made more food this year. Amazing...I tell you no lie. This day was pretty much uneventful which compared to previous Thanksgiving days it is a blessing all in itself. No one fought and no one died (literally) so it was a great night.

For some reason I'm feeling like I may want to share some things. So here is what I'm going to do. I'll be back later tonight to post. Until then Smooches...

Nightmare On My Street

Okay so I've been gone for a while. I definitely have some new things to post to you guys this week. Just right now...I've been through something extremely insane that I can't even wrap my head around. Hopfuly later on I will be able to share my experience with you. Right now it's just not feasible. In any event I'll be posting my Thanksgiving day goings on and then on Saturday I have my sister Mageedah's birthday party. I'm sure it'll be good times. Smooches...

Sister Number 1...

I don't know if I told you all, but I have 5 sisters, 2 brothers and a host of friends. As we go along you will be introduced to all of them and I will post pictures of them as well. This is sister number 1... Nazlah the oldest with her husband Marcus, my neice Asalah and my nephew Elijah. How sweet, Smooches...

As We Proceed...Updated

Part 2...

First things first, let's name this dude. I don't want you to be confused as we go along. We're going to call him Shame. So now later that day and after the first phone call Shame called me back to ask where I was. I said why, he said because he wanted to know if he was going to see me when he got home. I told him yes. So he came in after work and as soon as he came in he said "You didn't cook?" I said "You didn't bring me anything to eat?" We went back and forth until finally he changed his clothes and took me to pick up something to eat. We came back in, ate and I watched America's Next Top Model (one of my guilty pleasures) while he did some work on his laptop. He continued to aggravate me about having sex. Now I'm not going to pretend like I didn't want to because I did (it's been a while), I don't know I just wasn't feeling it as much as I would have before. I guess it's because our relationship had changed. When I say changed, we went through a really rough time.

Let me take you back...

Shame is a dude that I met years ago. We dated briefly, (I was already in a situation but that dude was doing what he felt like so...) it wasn't serious back then because it couldn't be but we enjoyed each other's company when we could. We always had a great time together. Before things could get out of hand he was arrested and served some time (5 years). Somehow or another we lost contact and life went on. This summer I was going to Hawaii to meet this guy that at the time I thought could possibly be my husband. Without getting into detail right now things didn't work out. Shame unbeknown to me had been looking for me ever since he had come home. Literally 2 days before I was to leave I received a message on my myspace account from him. I was in complete shock, you have no idea. I returned his message and left him my cell phone number to call. He did so in a matter of 15 minutes. We made plans for him to come by after work and see me. When he came by I think we were both in shock at the fact that we both looked exactly the way we did we last saw each other. I sat in his car and we talked for a while before he asked if we could go have a drink and talk. We went to a little spot out here in Brooklyn called The Dean Street Cafe. We chopped it up and caught up to speed on what's been going on. When we first talked I told him immediately that I was going away with someone that I had been dating for 2 months. After he heard 2 months he really didn't seem worried that he couldn't take me from dude. He expressed that this time around he wanted me to himself. Needless to say I was torn but I'm a loyal person and I had already made a commitment to someone else and I was going to try and make that work first and foremost. Things didn't work the way I had planed.

When I returned home Shame and I went out to dinner and from that night were basically inseparable for about 2 weeks. For whatever reason he decided that we needed to slow down. Cool, is what I said and we did just that. Now this is what kills me with dudes, you can make the rules but yet you don't know how to follow YOUR rules. Amazing. So now I fall back and you start to do a go crazy because I'm not available to you when it's convenient for you. The nerve. from that moment things started to spiral out of control. I was coming through maybe only once or twice a week. I started to notice that condoms were missing the color and brands were changing. So I decided to just fall back completely and let dude do him. After all I have been through in past relationships I no longer have tolerance for bullshit. I would rather leave it alone than do the drama thing. When I say this dude act like he was loosing his mind...stressed was not the word for what he was trying to do to me. he began to text and call me like a mad man. His pleas for me to see him then turned into nasty disrespectful dis messages. Then they turned to threats. It was insane.

Oh boy...I just got a phone call I have to take...I'll finish posting tonight, PROMISE...Smooches

It got to the point to where I had to go away for a little while to get him to stop calling me. After I returned he did call again and I agreed to see him (I know stupid me), he came to my home and stood on my stoop to talk to me. This night it happened to be my parents' 37th year anniversary, so when he asked me to come back to his place I told him I couldn't because I needed to spend time with my parents. Later that evening I did call him and go by his place. Nothing happened we just talked. He proceeded to tell me that the only reason he act the way he did was because he didn't know how else to get me to respond to him.?? Okay so my thought was, your going to scare a girl into being with you...(chivalry is not dead) exactly how does that work? Beside the point that I'm not even that kind of chick...you scare me...I scare you. I had to let dude know my neighborhood is clearly not the one that you could run through and think your doing anything to me. We're not even going to get into that...moving on. That reunion didn't last long. That weekend my sisters and I were having a dinner for my parents at a small restaurant in Brooklyn. I called him and invited him to come, he told me he would. Do you know that the day of the dinner and hour before it was time to leave no less he called me to say "You know I'm not going right?" I was pissed beyond words, I simply said "Fine, no problem I don't chase I replace" and hung up. He immediately text me back with some nonsense about being disrespectful. I didn't even bother to respond. I was about to call someone else to replace his presence but then decided it wasn't even worth doing because this night was about my parents, so what if I didn't have a date. Right?

Later that night after dinner we took my parents to get a cheesecake from Juniors. From there I hopped in a cab and went to the city to meet my friend DJ. We went to a couple of clubs and I didn't make it in until around 5:30, 6:00am. Shame was texting me that morning: So let me get this straight...we broke up again because I didn't make a dinner? I texted him back: No it's because your selfish and I simply don't want to deal with it or you anymore. Please don't ask me how we got to this point because it all seems to become a blur to me. There was a lot of going back and forth being with each other and then not. A real roller coaster ride and just stupid on my behalf. Finally we got to where we are now and it was all for nothing if you ask me.

He finally told me a few days before that he was going to New Mexico for work. I immediately thought that he was going on vacation with some chick he was seeing and that's why I am feeling the way about him now that I am. He has said over and over that it was only work. For some reason I just can not believe that. I asked him why didn't he tell me to get a ticket knowing that he was going and had a hotel room. It's not like he was paying for anything if indeed it was was work. He said "Okay, get a ticket and come." I wish I could show you guys the look on my face. Why would it take for me to make that suggestion. That should be something you would want to do. I think at this point someone is suppose to stop me and ask me why I am upset and for what reason would I want to go anywhere with this maniac. This is the kind of stuff I'm talking about with me...crazy attracts crazy. Or could it be that I just wanted to take a vacation? (The kind of things that make you go hmmm.) In any event he's gone, I don't know where his car is, who's house sitting especially since he has a pet. I'm giving it up. I told him the other day that I think us trying to make it work again was a huge mistake and that we should just cut our losses now. he responded by texting: Wow...I swear I was wiling to do you right this time...Milk I'm at work...I am in love with you...please give this a chance. What the FUCK...I mean really! What were you doing before? I'll tell you...trying to make my life a living hell! I can be such an idiot sometimes. I have got to leave that alone.

I'll tell you what happens when he gets back...

Almost forgot to tell you, I called his job this morning and his receptionist told me he was out until Thursday. I asked if he was on vacation and she said no he was in training...HAHAHAHA. I still don't believe it because when I asked him when he was coming back he said Thursday. I called his extension the night before and he clearly left a message that said he would be out of the office until Wednesday. Now the way my mind works is this, if he comes back Wednesday and he is indeed with his chick they'll spend the night back to together and then he'll be trying to call me over on Thursday night. I'm just saying that's what I think. I think I'll text him now and confirm his return date. Let's see what he says...Smooches

I Know, I Know...

I should have another post for you in a few more hours. Sorry about the delay. Smooches...

Friends...

I really didn't have any intentions on posting you guys until Sunday night so that I could bring you part 2 of my last blog. But before I do that I just really need to say that I greatly appreciate the friends that I have. I have to say that I know for a fact that I am trully blessed. I know that everyone is not blessed to have true friends...and I am. I try to tell them as often as I can that I am grateful for them, for them to tolerate me and actually except me for who I really am is insane to me. I try to talk to all of my friends as often as I can, it's not always feasible for me to talk to them when I want or when they want to talk to me, but we try. I talk to some more often than others but the love is there for all...and for all the same. I just had a talk with my girl Wanda that was insane! It wasn't just the typical girl talk it was like that talk...the one you have when you know that your on the same page and you don't have to finish your thought or sentence because you know she's got you.

I don't know I just wanted to express that because I'm in another place right now. I've come to realize that everyone doesn't know how to be a friend. I also know that things happen for a reason. The friends that I have, have been friends of mine for years. When I say years, I'm talking 18 years, some longer some a few years shy. There aren't alot of them but they're enough for me. I promise as soon as I get it together I will be posting pictures. I want you guys to have a smooth ride with me. I want you to be able to see my life for what it is...I want you too to become a part of my family. We're going to have so much fun, I can't wait. Just needed to get that off my chest.

In any event I'll be posting you guys later today...Smooches...

It's A Wrap...

I just got in...I took my little sister Ayesha out tonight because she was really feeling like being out and she wanted to dance. I can't even get it together right now but I promise a post later on today. We have alot to talk to about...for one thing I have to finish my post from yesterday plus I have to tell you about my night out. I can't even see straight...I don't know how I'm posting this now...in any event later darlings...thanks for checking in...please check back. Smooches...

Let Me Reintroduce Myself....

My name is Milky...for those of you who know nothing about me...please let me reintroduce myself to you! I am that chick that no matter what I do, no matter how I try to avoid it drama comes to me!Really it's sad because I try to live a drama free life...it just will not work for me. Please believe me I try hard. This is one of the reasons why I started this blog. I really just needed to share what I'm going through to others because I would hate to believe that it is just me...it can't be.

So I posted to you guys yesterday that I was at my ex's...now because you don't know me as of yet you may be thinking, your ex...you get what you get. Not true. We went to dinner we talked and he pleaded his case to me. How he was wrong, he made a mistake, does he have to pay for it forever. Now I can be somewhat sympathetic, I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. Okay...maybe we can make this work. Wrong...so we woke up the next morning. Nothing happened like I said. Before things went sour I use to stay over all the time, he would get up in the morning, get dressed, leave for work and leave me there(did I mention that I am unemployed at the moment...layed off, long story)no big deal for now. In any event he wakes me up as he's getting dressed to talk, he goes in the bathroom to take a shower. He left his Treo (or whatever it is he has, not sure) on the bed. It goes off, now mind you his phone has went off plenty of times in the morning and I have never felt moved to look at it. This morning for some reason I did. This is the message, not verbatim but close to it "Morning Daddy, I know you have a busy day today but relax and try not to stress, yadayadayada...can't remember what she said after that but it ended...kisses. Now I see this put the phone back down and went back to sleep until he came back out of the shower. He continued to talk to me and then proceeded to ask me if I would be there when he came home from work. I said "Well if you think you would want to speak to me by then, we'll see". He then started to question me about what I meant. What's really crazy to me now is that if this had been any other time in my life before now, I probably would have done a go crazy and my feelings would have been hurt. What's so shocking to me is that I did not care, I actually laughed at the whole thing. I mean I really am trully immune to to bullshit at this point.
When you think about it its sad. He then went on to ask me what did I mean, if I was going to smash up his place when he left, if I was going to sleep with another guy in his bed while he was at work, I mean real ridiculous shit. I just looked at him and then I said "Why are you asking me these stupid ass questions? You sound crazy".He shrugged it off and went to work. So now I'm still in the bed, my mind started working...I said you know what I do know that he has a hectic day today, let me fuck it up. So I sent him a text that said " Sorry I was acting so nonchalant this morning Daddy. I know you have a busy day just relax and try not to stress. Feeling like de ja vu...not really. Smooches. I'm assuming he called me as soon as he got the text.

It started off "Yo Milk, please what's up?" He asked what my text was all about, I said don't play stupid you know exactly what it was about. He proceeded to tell me how the chick was crazy (of course he called her something else...typical). How she leaves him texts every morning and that he would call her on the phone right now just to prove to me that it was nothing and that she was out of her mind. I laughed and told him not necessary, I don't even care and not only that, that I was not mad and I'll see him when he gets home.

Part 2 next post...Smooches

Can Anyone Say Where My Hood At...

As I posted late night Saturday I missed my girl Miko's birthday get together at Kanvas in which I feel terrible about (I mean slit my wrist terrible). I just have to say Miko is one of the smartest and funniest friends I have the pleasure of knowing. Her sincerity and overall go hard for her loved ones is unmatched (like how I did that).

In any event I made a prior commitment to do a favor for a friend and help bartend at Albany Manor (can anyone say ante up...where my hood at). It was just that real...I haven't been in a hood situation like that in too many years I care to reveal to you. I'm not saying that it was a bad situation because honestly I have to say after being in it I kind of miss the hood parties. It's just after a certain age you can't do it anymore. That's just me. Boy I gotta tell you if you are from Brooklyn or if you ever been to a Brooklyn bashment this was the one to be at. Hosted by my boys Kendu and Papa Lou. They definitely did their thing, so shout out to you guys. Dudes were popping bottles like it was water and the music was tight. They were playing some songs that I couldn't help but dance to...one guy came over to the bar and said "$**% it ma, just dance" and that's exactly what I did. After cleaning up I didn't get home until 6 am. All the while thinking about how I disappointed Miko (there I go again)I wanted to call her but it was much too late.

So I decided to text an ex of mine (simple case of dialing while drunk...you'll be reading about a few of those...hahaha) lucky for me he was sleep and didn't respond to me until later that day. We ended up getting up with each other and going to dinner. We went to a South African restaurant called Madiba off Lafayette Street in Brooklyn. It was our first time seeing each other in about a month. There's a story behind this but I'll give that to you in another post (how thirsty are you).

I say all that to say that I'm posting now from his office at his home and I will finish this story this afternoon when I get home (Hahaha). Get your heads out the gutter, nothing is going on nor is anything happening, he's sleep. By the way I forgot how to delete address history from a computer. The last thing I want him to be able to do is to get on and go back to my site. I haven't told him I was doing it yet. Just for the record when I tell you guys about certain dudes I will be changing their names, and that will be the only thing I change (unless they make me just that mad, then they'll be on full blast).

So...I guess I'll hear from you guys later...please feel free to post comments.

Smooches...

Can I Live...

Ok...I've been away for a couple of days and I know I have no right to do so this early in the game. Allow me to explain myself. My intentions are to bring you guys a blog that is completely real and true to my life. There are others involved whether it be my sisters, cousins or best friends who play a major part in my everyday life. I want to be able to post you pictures of all of them to correspond with my daily posts. Now...because I don't fully understand my system all that well yet, it becomes a problem. Let alone the fact that I can't find all of the disks with the pictures on them that I want to post to you guys. CRAZY!

I'm one of those people who hate to do things half ass. So, until I get it together the pictures will be limited. Just ride with your girl until I get it together.

With all of that said I am writing tonight and will have a full post for you this afternoon check back.

And not for nothing...damn Miko, did you have to be so harsh? That's why I love you though...

Smooches...

Me and my big mouth...

I am so wrong right now. I am suppose to be at my girl Miko's birthday gathering right now. Instead I'm at another gathering . Apparently I made a prior commitment and did not remember. I'm playing bartender (for those of you who know me know just how hilarious that is).

In any event I just wanted to let you guys know where I was tonight. I will be posting a blow by blow (pause) description of my night tomorrow.

Miko....I love you and I promise to make it up to you...HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Smooches...

This is me...

Ok...so I tried to add this picture of me as my profile picture. I'm just alright with the computer skills and if I try hard enough I can usually get what I want done. I have to tell you this thing is giving me a headache. I have downloaded program after program and nothing is helping me with this. It could have alot to do with the fact that my computer system is extremely old. In the famous words of my internet installer "Just upgrade your system one time and be done with it". I think that's something that I'm going to have to do with the quickness.

I spoke to a friend of mine who's going to try and come by and help me upgrade my site...thank goodness. In any event I had all intentions on introducing my self to you guys tonight...I'm not going to be able to do it. I'm exhausted, better luck tomorrow...Smooches

The begining of the end...

Okay so I had to make some changes.I'm sure I will be making others as I learn more about this blogging thing. Believe me it's all for the best. I want to give you me at my best at all times. This site is a work in progress...I'll get it...just please stay tuned.