Back On My Grind...

Hi all, I haven't been posting as much because I've been on a crazy job hunt. I've finally landed a gig so now I can get back on a regular schedule (As if I was on one from the begining). It's funny because it has been in my experience that when I 'm looking for work it usually takes me anywhere from 6-8 months to land something. I have been blessed to find something within a week and a half of my search. I know it has alot to do with me now having internet service at home. I know... who doesn't...me until recently, I'm shameful. I was up day and night sending out my resume. I went to an agency on Tuesday and was working on Thursday. God bless those agencies. Believe me it was a great weight lifted off my shoulder. Being broke is just not cute. I wasn't actually broke I have money in an ING account that I couldn't get to. I refuse to get into that story right now because I'll get a headache. Look forward to a post about their shabby runnings of a company.

In any event my birthday is coming up next month, it's sort of a big one for me I'll be 25...haha
haha and boy am I feeling great! I want to do something special but I'm not sure what I can do. Any suggestions? Please hit me up and let me know. I had strong plans to go to Paris, but it doesn't look like that will be happening. You know with the new schedule and all, I definitely won't be able to take the time. Hopfully I can do it in spring...it's my dream...it's my destiny.

Guess I should get back to looking like I'm doing work. Oh and by the way I will be posting the pictures from my sister Magee's birthday party this weekend. Until then Smooches...

Another One Off the Market!

Ladies and Gentleman another one bites the dust. Meatie has been taken off the market. I am proud to announce that my little sister Meatie was proposed to by her boyfriend Leron on Sunday and she has accepted. CONGRATULATIONS! He is a welcomed additioned and they love each other very much. Stay tuned for further announcements.

It Was All So Simple Then...

When I posted last week Tuesday (Nightmare On My Street) I was going through something that I'm still trying to make sense of. I couldn't write to you without being judgemental and hurtful to the other person. Remember him, we named him Shame? I still can't get into specifics but I think you guys are smart enough to kind of figure it out. In any event this a letter that I wrote to him about 2-3 months ago. I never gave it to him, I don't know why. I mean I guess I do know why, sometimes I like to write just to get my frustrations out. In any event here's what I wrote:

Dear Shame,

We don't communicate, I don't trust you, you don't trust me. What are we doing? Things are so intense, your always on my mind. I miss you even when your lying next to me. Something is wrong with that. You make me feel so beautiful, good about myself, you make me doubt myself. You make me doubt this. Something is wrong with that.
I'm waiting but I don't know what I'm waiting for. You know you don't treat me the way you should. I'm not here for your convience. I'm not going to beg you to love me, to hold me, to take me out. I don't ask you for anything, to do anything for me. If this..if I'm not what you want you shouldn't waste our time. I know what it is to be loved. I know what it is for a man to want to be with me. I know when a man wants to prove to me that it's about me and only me. You say one thing yet you do another. If your struggling with yourself about being with me, then I'm not for you...choose her. I understand, maybe it's not meant to be. Maybe we came back into each other's lives so we could dispell all of the fantasies that we've been harboring for all of these years.
However I hope that that is not the case. Do you know I get excited everytime I see you. I feel like a little girl sometimes. I'm embarrassed I'm even telling you this. I think back on some of our episodes and I laugh. We were having fun, you made me laugh even if it was for a moment. I believed in you, thought what you told me was real. You seemed to be going so hard. I counted the hours, couldn't wait to see yor face, kiss your lips, feel your body in my arms. Was I a fool for that? You kept me sober, only craving for your love. I was seeing things clearly...or so I thought...only things became too clear. For the first time in my life I wish I was naive.
I love you, why can't that be enough for you? Your not the man who gives me everything I want but you can be the man to give me everything I need. You said you love me, you said you would give me unconditional love. If you really mean that then you will fight for me, fight for us. I'm doing the best I can...it's just a matter of time...hold on. I know I'm not perfect and that there are things that I need to change. We all have idiosyncrasys that others may not approve of, but that's what makes us who we are. I don't mean to be one sided and I'm not blaming you for everything. I can only tell you how I feel. I'm not trying to be someone who bides your time until someone else comes along. With me you get what you give. What you remember about me is not lost.

Love always,
Milky

What's crazy and sick to me is that when I was writing this letter I didn't know just how real it was. I didn't realize that certain things I said would turn into meaning something else. The mind works in mysterious ways. It was right in front of my face and I couldn't see it. Or is it because I didn't want to see it? He still has me doubting me...hmmm

Somebody Help Me...

You know, I'm trying to fix up my blog and bring you guys something that's nice to look at. I mean I hope my writing is entertainment enough but the site is looking a little boring to me now. I have absolutely no clue as to what I'm doing. I don't understand the lingo, its just extremely frustrating. I wanted to do a drop down menu after every post so I'm not taking up so much of the page. Found out how to do it. I can't make it happen. So please if anyone has any clue as to help me with this thing I would greatly appreciate it. It's 1:30 am and I want to post some thoughts I came across that I wrote a little while back. I'm going to try and figure out a few more things if I can't make it happen then I'll just post. Fatimah just bought in a little of the drinky drink. I'll have a sip and see what happens.

Turkey Day...

Hi peoples, I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. I can't say that mine was all that eventful but all of my sisters were there and we had a good time. Check out a pic of all of the girls and my mom. My mom really out did herself on the food. I didn't help as much as I would have usually, I don't think any of us did, and my mom probably made more food this year. Amazing...I tell you no lie. This day was pretty much uneventful which compared to previous Thanksgiving days it is a blessing all in itself. No one fought and no one died (literally) so it was a great night.

For some reason I'm feeling like I may want to share some things. So here is what I'm going to do. I'll be back later tonight to post. Until then Smooches...

Nightmare On My Street

Okay so I've been gone for a while. I definitely have some new things to post to you guys this week. Just right now...I've been through something extremely insane that I can't even wrap my head around. Hopfuly later on I will be able to share my experience with you. Right now it's just not feasible. In any event I'll be posting my Thanksgiving day goings on and then on Saturday I have my sister Mageedah's birthday party. I'm sure it'll be good times. Smooches...

Sister Number 1...

I don't know if I told you all, but I have 5 sisters, 2 brothers and a host of friends. As we go along you will be introduced to all of them and I will post pictures of them as well. This is sister number 1... Nazlah the oldest with her husband Marcus, my neice Asalah and my nephew Elijah. How sweet, Smooches...

As We Proceed...Updated

Part 2...

First things first, let's name this dude. I don't want you to be confused as we go along. We're going to call him Shame. So now later that day and after the first phone call Shame called me back to ask where I was. I said why, he said because he wanted to know if he was going to see me when he got home. I told him yes. So he came in after work and as soon as he came in he said "You didn't cook?" I said "You didn't bring me anything to eat?" We went back and forth until finally he changed his clothes and took me to pick up something to eat. We came back in, ate and I watched America's Next Top Model (one of my guilty pleasures) while he did some work on his laptop. He continued to aggravate me about having sex. Now I'm not going to pretend like I didn't want to because I did (it's been a while), I don't know I just wasn't feeling it as much as I would have before. I guess it's because our relationship had changed. When I say changed, we went through a really rough time.

Let me take you back...

Shame is a dude that I met years ago. We dated briefly, (I was already in a situation but that dude was doing what he felt like so...) it wasn't serious back then because it couldn't be but we enjoyed each other's company when we could. We always had a great time together. Before things could get out of hand he was arrested and served some time (5 years). Somehow or another we lost contact and life went on. This summer I was going to Hawaii to meet this guy that at the time I thought could possibly be my husband. Without getting into detail right now things didn't work out. Shame unbeknown to me had been looking for me ever since he had come home. Literally 2 days before I was to leave I received a message on my myspace account from him. I was in complete shock, you have no idea. I returned his message and left him my cell phone number to call. He did so in a matter of 15 minutes. We made plans for him to come by after work and see me. When he came by I think we were both in shock at the fact that we both looked exactly the way we did we last saw each other. I sat in his car and we talked for a while before he asked if we could go have a drink and talk. We went to a little spot out here in Brooklyn called The Dean Street Cafe. We chopped it up and caught up to speed on what's been going on. When we first talked I told him immediately that I was going away with someone that I had been dating for 2 months. After he heard 2 months he really didn't seem worried that he couldn't take me from dude. He expressed that this time around he wanted me to himself. Needless to say I was torn but I'm a loyal person and I had already made a commitment to someone else and I was going to try and make that work first and foremost. Things didn't work the way I had planed.

When I returned home Shame and I went out to dinner and from that night were basically inseparable for about 2 weeks. For whatever reason he decided that we needed to slow down. Cool, is what I said and we did just that. Now this is what kills me with dudes, you can make the rules but yet you don't know how to follow YOUR rules. Amazing. So now I fall back and you start to do a go crazy because I'm not available to you when it's convenient for you. The nerve. from that moment things started to spiral out of control. I was coming through maybe only once or twice a week. I started to notice that condoms were missing the color and brands were changing. So I decided to just fall back completely and let dude do him. After all I have been through in past relationships I no longer have tolerance for bullshit. I would rather leave it alone than do the drama thing. When I say this dude act like he was loosing his mind...stressed was not the word for what he was trying to do to me. he began to text and call me like a mad man. His pleas for me to see him then turned into nasty disrespectful dis messages. Then they turned to threats. It was insane.

Oh boy...I just got a phone call I have to take...I'll finish posting tonight, PROMISE...Smooches

It got to the point to where I had to go away for a little while to get him to stop calling me. After I returned he did call again and I agreed to see him (I know stupid me), he came to my home and stood on my stoop to talk to me. This night it happened to be my parents' 37th year anniversary, so when he asked me to come back to his place I told him I couldn't because I needed to spend time with my parents. Later that evening I did call him and go by his place. Nothing happened we just talked. He proceeded to tell me that the only reason he act the way he did was because he didn't know how else to get me to respond to him.?? Okay so my thought was, your going to scare a girl into being with you...(chivalry is not dead) exactly how does that work? Beside the point that I'm not even that kind of chick...you scare me...I scare you. I had to let dude know my neighborhood is clearly not the one that you could run through and think your doing anything to me. We're not even going to get into that...moving on. That reunion didn't last long. That weekend my sisters and I were having a dinner for my parents at a small restaurant in Brooklyn. I called him and invited him to come, he told me he would. Do you know that the day of the dinner and hour before it was time to leave no less he called me to say "You know I'm not going right?" I was pissed beyond words, I simply said "Fine, no problem I don't chase I replace" and hung up. He immediately text me back with some nonsense about being disrespectful. I didn't even bother to respond. I was about to call someone else to replace his presence but then decided it wasn't even worth doing because this night was about my parents, so what if I didn't have a date. Right?

Later that night after dinner we took my parents to get a cheesecake from Juniors. From there I hopped in a cab and went to the city to meet my friend DJ. We went to a couple of clubs and I didn't make it in until around 5:30, 6:00am. Shame was texting me that morning: So let me get this straight...we broke up again because I didn't make a dinner? I texted him back: No it's because your selfish and I simply don't want to deal with it or you anymore. Please don't ask me how we got to this point because it all seems to become a blur to me. There was a lot of going back and forth being with each other and then not. A real roller coaster ride and just stupid on my behalf. Finally we got to where we are now and it was all for nothing if you ask me.

He finally told me a few days before that he was going to New Mexico for work. I immediately thought that he was going on vacation with some chick he was seeing and that's why I am feeling the way about him now that I am. He has said over and over that it was only work. For some reason I just can not believe that. I asked him why didn't he tell me to get a ticket knowing that he was going and had a hotel room. It's not like he was paying for anything if indeed it was was work. He said "Okay, get a ticket and come." I wish I could show you guys the look on my face. Why would it take for me to make that suggestion. That should be something you would want to do. I think at this point someone is suppose to stop me and ask me why I am upset and for what reason would I want to go anywhere with this maniac. This is the kind of stuff I'm talking about with me...crazy attracts crazy. Or could it be that I just wanted to take a vacation? (The kind of things that make you go hmmm.) In any event he's gone, I don't know where his car is, who's house sitting especially since he has a pet. I'm giving it up. I told him the other day that I think us trying to make it work again was a huge mistake and that we should just cut our losses now. he responded by texting: Wow...I swear I was wiling to do you right this time...Milk I'm at work...I am in love with you...please give this a chance. What the FUCK...I mean really! What were you doing before? I'll tell you...trying to make my life a living hell! I can be such an idiot sometimes. I have got to leave that alone.

I'll tell you what happens when he gets back...

Almost forgot to tell you, I called his job this morning and his receptionist told me he was out until Thursday. I asked if he was on vacation and she said no he was in training...HAHAHAHA. I still don't believe it because when I asked him when he was coming back he said Thursday. I called his extension the night before and he clearly left a message that said he would be out of the office until Wednesday. Now the way my mind works is this, if he comes back Wednesday and he is indeed with his chick they'll spend the night back to together and then he'll be trying to call me over on Thursday night. I'm just saying that's what I think. I think I'll text him now and confirm his return date. Let's see what he says...Smooches

I Know, I Know...

I should have another post for you in a few more hours. Sorry about the delay. Smooches...