It Was All So Simple Then...

When I posted last week Tuesday (Nightmare On My Street) I was going through something that I'm still trying to make sense of. I couldn't write to you without being judgemental and hurtful to the other person. Remember him, we named him Shame? I still can't get into specifics but I think you guys are smart enough to kind of figure it out. In any event this a letter that I wrote to him about 2-3 months ago. I never gave it to him, I don't know why. I mean I guess I do know why, sometimes I like to write just to get my frustrations out. In any event here's what I wrote:

Dear Shame,

We don't communicate, I don't trust you, you don't trust me. What are we doing? Things are so intense, your always on my mind. I miss you even when your lying next to me. Something is wrong with that. You make me feel so beautiful, good about myself, you make me doubt myself. You make me doubt this. Something is wrong with that.
I'm waiting but I don't know what I'm waiting for. You know you don't treat me the way you should. I'm not here for your convience. I'm not going to beg you to love me, to hold me, to take me out. I don't ask you for anything, to do anything for me. If this..if I'm not what you want you shouldn't waste our time. I know what it is to be loved. I know what it is for a man to want to be with me. I know when a man wants to prove to me that it's about me and only me. You say one thing yet you do another. If your struggling with yourself about being with me, then I'm not for you...choose her. I understand, maybe it's not meant to be. Maybe we came back into each other's lives so we could dispell all of the fantasies that we've been harboring for all of these years.
However I hope that that is not the case. Do you know I get excited everytime I see you. I feel like a little girl sometimes. I'm embarrassed I'm even telling you this. I think back on some of our episodes and I laugh. We were having fun, you made me laugh even if it was for a moment. I believed in you, thought what you told me was real. You seemed to be going so hard. I counted the hours, couldn't wait to see yor face, kiss your lips, feel your body in my arms. Was I a fool for that? You kept me sober, only craving for your love. I was seeing things clearly...or so I thought...only things became too clear. For the first time in my life I wish I was naive.
I love you, why can't that be enough for you? Your not the man who gives me everything I want but you can be the man to give me everything I need. You said you love me, you said you would give me unconditional love. If you really mean that then you will fight for me, fight for us. I'm doing the best I can...it's just a matter of time...hold on. I know I'm not perfect and that there are things that I need to change. We all have idiosyncrasys that others may not approve of, but that's what makes us who we are. I don't mean to be one sided and I'm not blaming you for everything. I can only tell you how I feel. I'm not trying to be someone who bides your time until someone else comes along. With me you get what you give. What you remember about me is not lost.

Love always,
Milky

What's crazy and sick to me is that when I was writing this letter I didn't know just how real it was. I didn't realize that certain things I said would turn into meaning something else. The mind works in mysterious ways. It was right in front of my face and I couldn't see it. Or is it because I didn't want to see it? He still has me doubting me...hmmm